even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
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You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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