Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
