I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
