He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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