We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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