her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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