guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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