Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Randomize
