Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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