seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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