Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
