Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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