We need to rekindle our bromance
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
