From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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