I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
