I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Randomize
