Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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