I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
