I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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