cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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