I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
