Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
