He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm too high and old for this...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
