Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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