Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
