I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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