between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize