True but thats because hes a fetus.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
