My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
