Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
