can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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