Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
