Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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