I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
