Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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