Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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