Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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