she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
