She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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