Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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