Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
