I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
