Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
