he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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