The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
