You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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