I'm eating all of the evidence.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
