Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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