I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
