1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Drunk is not a location!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
