theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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