So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
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Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
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You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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