Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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