She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
