In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
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In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
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Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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