Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
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She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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